On My Heart

Frustrated.

That is how I feel today.

Let me preface this post by saying that today was my first day of Occupational Therapy.

Today was a series of tasks and questions related to Gross motor skills.

Looking at pictures figuring out which didn't belong, putting keys into the correct holes, matching up shapes-you know Sesame Street kind of stuff.

Sounds easy, right?

Not the case.

It was hard, like really really hard

and super frustrating.

Tasks that I normally wouldn't have to think twice about doing prior to July 23 have now become huge mountains for me.

Or when given an activity I think to myself I'll complete this with no problem.

And then when I can't make a choice fast enough, then comes the frustration, and later comes the wanting to give up completely-even though I know I have to complete said task.

And then I have to try to regroup and compose myself {easier said than done}

Do you know how frustrating it is to think you are going to ace a test and then fail?

It's just so hard to come to terms with how much this stroke really has set me back.

I guess days like today make me realize more than other days just how much of an emotional roller coaster I am on.

Yes, physical therapy has helped out tremendously and from the outside you would probably never be able to tell this all happened.

Yes, I am able to move around more easily and am more self sufficient that before.

The inside though, that is different.

The fine & gross motor and cognitive skills are hurting.

It feels as though my mind is constantly filled with cobwebs and fog.

Fog so thick you can't even see your own hand in front of you-let alone where you are going.

Forget about multitasking-and as a mom that is one of our survivor qualities.

Each and every day is a battle to make it further than the day before.. even just the tiniest bit further.

Some days are better than others.

On good days I'm down on the floor playing with our kids.

But my bad days are really really bad.

Like drop an entire tray of lasagna out of the oven bad {last Friday}

or

feeling defeated because I can't do things how I once used to.

My days are now filled with lists, timers, and sticky notes.
And feeling physically and emotionally drained by noon.

This post is not meant to be sad, or to throw myself a pity party {not completely!}

I want to write all of this down, get all of my feelings out so that 3 months from now I can look back and say "Wow, I did overcome a lot.  I can't believe how frustrated I once was."

So I decided to come home from pt//ot, make a cup of coffee, and sit down to share my feeling with all of you.

And you know what?

I feel better already, so thanks for listening :)

I also found some really inspirational quotes on Pinterest to help me get through these tough times.